Wednesday, September 23, 2009

a beautiful mess



you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
based on your body language and shotty cursive i've been reading
you're style is quite selective
but your mind is rather wreckless
well i guess that this suggests
that this is just what happiness is

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses
well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerves
you can call it fiction
cuz i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
here we are...

so today i was informed that it's easy to fall in love/become obsessed with "the idea" of me. hm. while, i wasn't entirely surprised or unaccustomed to the idea of being infatuated with an ideal situation and less-than-interested in an actual individual...i thought it only applied to other individuals. never me. i can fall in love with the idea of you, the idea of us, but you? you're supposed to fall in love with me. evidently i'm quite appealing from a distance but once i let you in you become privy to the fact that i'm complicated and unacquainted with calm. i'm easily distracted and have a tendency to take advantage of those that treat me well. i know precisely what i want but often find myself growing too tired to work toward those things. i settle into complacency and later complain that i'm unhappy. i want everything and i want nothing. i only want what i want when i want it and i work on an unpredictable schedule.

i can see where you're coming from. but understand that every fantasy i've ever had rests in your ability to share my dreams.

to whom it may concern

poorly written: 7/27/09

Writing in a dimly lit room. Rain pouring and lightning crashing. It came so abruptly. Washing away the heat of the day. I wonder what washed away the heat between us. Or do I know? Am I blithely unaware of the distance between us or choose to neglect it in an attempt to create some closeness within? I always feel so far from you. As close as you may be in physical proximity and as genuine as you may think you are, there’s an emptiness in your kiss where there should be fullness in your lips and detachment where there should be an embrace. Last night was the first time you made an attempt. In all of our nights together you could only manifest affection as a result of a threat? You can sense my distance now. My I-sense-your-bullshit-ness now. I think it frightens you. I can’t be swayed by your defenses, can’t be wooed by your feeble and follied attempts at tenderness. I know better. I know that you’re incapable of displaying your affections. And that’s fine. I can see you in another light. And see myself as someone longing so much to be comforted by another that I took you in. I let myself fall for you even though you had no intentions of ever reciprocating. It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend to harm me. It’s just not in your nature to reason with your heart. You’re logic and cynicism, I’m emotion and hopefulness. We were better off as the casual us, don’t you think? We’re a house party pair, not a romantic dinner for two. I think I saw what I wanted to see-as usual. Sitting here so quietly I feel at ease knowing that you and I are no more. At least not in my mind. I’m finished with us. Because I’d always had an idea of us that was never to come to fruition. We’re different. As if I didn’t already know. Blindly aware. My heart is one that craves, one that requires, one that expected more of you. I can’t remain complacent. So long, friend.

Friday, February 13, 2009

houstatlantavegas (playing now)

"Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present"

my mom frequently (at least 3 a week kind of frequently) emails me dreadful forwarded messages that i delete at first glance but for some reason i looked at one today. and found several gems of wisdom that i'll no doubt write somewhere permanent or add to my quotes on facebook so others can grab a piece of this wisdom as well.

so simple. but it means so much. and if it stood out to me this much in the midst of my financial crisis it must mean something. "make peace with your past" and there's SO much to make peace with. where do i begin? it seems like the ultimate theme of this blog and my life thus far is...regret. so sad. maybe regret is the sediment left behind in a life filled with past experiences that haven't been peaceably put to rest. how can one enjoy what they're standing in the midst of, if they're constantly haunted by the past hanging in the air like a thick fog. it's hard to see what i have and why it's good when my past is staring me in the face. perhaps it needs to be put to rest. it's spoiling my present. it's easy to see how i could get off track and picture myself going back to what i had instead of grasping the amazing thing that i HAVE because i haven't made peace with him. i want him to fix it. fold it up neatly and arrange it in my heart and in my memory in a way that i find suitable. i was waiting for him to rearrange what we were. to amend my thoughts of him so that i could move forward. and in the process i was moving backward, toward him and away from what i have. i could've lost it. that was a close call. and what of the "male role model" in my life. shall i even dig into that tonight? or is that more of a 2 in the afternoon topic because i know that the thoughts and words meant to encompass it would take at least 8 hours to form? psh. making peace with that would end so many you-can't-blame-me-for-what-he-did-to-you arguments that i try desperately to avoid.

in an effort to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, i'll forgo that tangent. but i will say that if i could make peace with those two things, so many things in my present would be exponentially appreciated. i should forgive him. i haven't.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i never change, do i?



i wanna live life and never be cruel
i wanna live life and be good to you
i wanna fly and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?

i feel like i'm constantly making the same mistakes for the same reasons. falling for the same person who treats me the same way. ignoring the one who treats me well. and then looking back and regretting it all. will i ever change or learn? or will i be the one sitting on my porch in my old age next to the wrong one with thoughts of the one that got away? i think i think about "the one that got away" more than most. am i that afraid of regret? i let my curiosity get the better of me and put my heart into these journeys deep into the rabbit hole that is curiosity. once you've fallen for someone that makes you feel completely crazy, what would compel you to torture yourself that way again? curiosity. when will i start thinking reasonably? like "oh, this will probably hurt me just as much this time as it did the last. so, no sir, i wll NOT take you up on that offer to ruin my life yet again." i had just gotten comfortable with being formerly broken. i had just imagined us as friends. i had just started breathing again. and now, i'm almost as overwhelmed by anxiety and questions as i was the first one thousand times i gave you a "second" chance. perhaps second chances are for suckas. i refuse to hand you any more.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

this is my sketch pad

"definitions belong to the definer, not the defined"

"what do you want your life to look like? what do you want your life, right now, to look like? and your life next week, next month, next year, and next decade? what if you could take a pencil and a piece of paper and sketch out your life, and whatever you sketched, it would be guaranteed to be your life one day?...you can literally sketch your dreams into reality."

i'd prefer to use a keyboard and screen.

i want to do yoga every morning when i wake up. and then have a cup of tea and some fruit. i want to call my best friend and have morning devotional with her. i want to have a cork board at my door for ppl to post prayer requests on as they come in or out. i want lots of windows. i want to sleep in on saturday mornings nestled into the love of my life. i want us to be immersed in the comfort of sheets and skin and love. i want to share favorite movies and quotes and desserts. i want to adopt a dog and walk it every evening when i get home from work. i want to cook ALMOST every night. i want to enjoy what i do and thrive in my work environment. i want to inspire hope in others. i want to live in both the city and the country. i want to drink homemade lemonade often. i want to become a proficient baker...and cocktail maker. i want flower arrangements all over my house. i want to listen to jazz and the beatles. i want to be debt free. i want to be responsible. i want to be able to go to the store and not feel guilty about buying things for myself. i want to be well-read. i want a master's degree in psychology and a bachelor's degree in both spanish and counseling. i want to have my college loans paid for by some wonderful benefactor. i want to be lpc and lmft certified. i want to read the bible cover to cover every year. i want to go to graduate school and conduct some remarkably profound study on interpersonal/familial/romantic relationships. i want to be a role model. i want to be closer to my cousins, aunts, and uncles. i want to communicate with my mom. i changed my mind, i want to adopt TWO dogs. i want to be proud of myself. i want to be comfortable in my own skin. i want to write...a lot. i want to be recognized for my achievements. i want to be in a relationship that excites me, that's constant but challenging, that's passionate. i want to marry a hopeless romantic. i want to go to south america. i want to speak spanish fluently. i want to travel more than once a year. i want to have a diverse group of talented and kind friends. i want to live in a well-decorated house. i want children that i laugh with on a daily basis. i want to have family dinners every night. i want to start my own family traditions. i want a garden immediately. i want to grow my own fruit, vegetables, and herbs. i want to go back to washington. i want to camp. i want to be a humble wealth of knowledge. i want to fall so deep in love that i can't see straight. i want to be responsible. i want a car that suits me. i want to have meaningful conversations on a daily basis. i want to learn from my mistakes. i want to let go of my fears. i want to look at the stars with my kids, my husband, my friends, my acquaintances. i want a white comforter. i want an organized (but not uncomfortable) home. i want to help those in need. i want to have firm political beliefs that leave room for heart vs. head decisions. i want to collect antiques. i want to live a full life.