"Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present"
my mom frequently (at least 3 a week kind of frequently) emails me dreadful forwarded messages that i delete at first glance but for some reason i looked at one today. and found several gems of wisdom that i'll no doubt write somewhere permanent or add to my quotes on facebook so others can grab a piece of this wisdom as well.
so simple. but it means so much. and if it stood out to me this much in the midst of my financial crisis it must mean something. "make peace with your past" and there's SO much to make peace with. where do i begin? it seems like the ultimate theme of this blog and my life thus far is...regret. so sad. maybe regret is the sediment left behind in a life filled with past experiences that haven't been peaceably put to rest. how can one enjoy what they're standing in the midst of, if they're constantly haunted by the past hanging in the air like a thick fog. it's hard to see what i have and why it's good when my past is staring me in the face. perhaps it needs to be put to rest. it's spoiling my present. it's easy to see how i could get off track and picture myself going back to what i had instead of grasping the amazing thing that i HAVE because i haven't made peace with him. i want him to fix it. fold it up neatly and arrange it in my heart and in my memory in a way that i find suitable. i was waiting for him to rearrange what we were. to amend my thoughts of him so that i could move forward. and in the process i was moving backward, toward him and away from what i have. i could've lost it. that was a close call. and what of the "male role model" in my life. shall i even dig into that tonight? or is that more of a 2 in the afternoon topic because i know that the thoughts and words meant to encompass it would take at least 8 hours to form? psh. making peace with that would end so many you-can't-blame-me-for-what-he-did-to-you arguments that i try desperately to avoid.
in an effort to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, i'll forgo that tangent. but i will say that if i could make peace with those two things, so many things in my present would be exponentially appreciated. i should forgive him. i haven't.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
i never change, do i?
i wanna live life and be good to you
i wanna fly and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?
i feel like i'm constantly making the same mistakes for the same reasons. falling for the same person who treats me the same way. ignoring the one who treats me well. and then looking back and regretting it all. will i ever change or learn? or will i be the one sitting on my porch in my old age next to the wrong one with thoughts of the one that got away? i think i think about "the one that got away" more than most. am i that afraid of regret? i let my curiosity get the better of me and put my heart into these journeys deep into the rabbit hole that is curiosity. once you've fallen for someone that makes you feel completely crazy, what would compel you to torture yourself that way again? curiosity. when will i start thinking reasonably? like "oh, this will probably hurt me just as much this time as it did the last. so, no sir, i wll NOT take you up on that offer to ruin my life yet again." i had just gotten comfortable with being formerly broken. i had just imagined us as friends. i had just started breathing again. and now, i'm almost as overwhelmed by anxiety and questions as i was the first one thousand times i gave you a "second" chance. perhaps second chances are for suckas. i refuse to hand you any more.
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