Monday, May 24, 2010

the dating game



"too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right

oh it's taking so long
i could be wrong, i could be ready
but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i am in repair"

i'm finding it hard to be me. To react without rules or the notion that you have maneuvers/experience/expectations of me that i can never truly be privy to. i'm ashamed to say that i wasn't able to maintain my form after the several collisions i've been victim of. my mind is not my own. it's reactionary. merely a composition of conditioned responses.

don't seem clingy. be available. don't call him. don't express yourself too often, too in depth. don't believe everything he says. don't be completely honest. don't be yourself.

even when i try to be my truest self there's always a moment, a circumstance, a question that causes me to launch into that endless series of games and behaviors so unlike me, so outside of myself. and that's when it all begins to crumble. how can i be involved in a relationship that should inherently be built on expression when i can't trust you or trust my responses to you or act in a way that demonstrates what i truly desire? when i'm so fragmented from past follies and tactics that were successful with other suitors but may not work so well with you? how can i know what i want, know what you want, when neither of us are being honest about who we are and what experiences have brought us to this moment.

i simply want to be me. my barest self. the self that dreamed of the one, first kisses, and "I do's" at 13. not the marred, cautious, strategic self that i've become. and to think that i'm only at the beginning of this journey. merely 22 with the brokenness and bitterness of a woman well in her years.

"maybe when things turn green again
it will be good to say you know me"

Monday, May 17, 2010

change

If I've ever been on the "cusp" of something... it's right now. I feel like I'm moments/centimeters/whispers away from every major change that will ever take place in my life. Today is my holy triumvirate of change. However, I'm frighteningly undisturbed. I may/may not have a job. May/may not have a place to rest my head. May/may not be able to attend school this summer. Hm. Triumvirate, I told you.

I've been praying for change recently, wishing for change for as long as I can remember. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened unto you. I guess I asked. I guess I knocked. And here I am. Standing at this precipice not quite sure how far the fall will be. But I'm ready to jump.

And just as quickly and confidently as I said I was undisturbed, my heart began to race. It's a funny thing - not knowing what will happen. But what's new? At what point in my life was I certain of what was coming next (unless we're discussing my mother who is CERTAIN to instantly combust upon arriving to a home containing more than two specks of dust... that and that alone can I count on.)

But this was unexpected. Actually receiving what I requested? That's preposterous. And yet - here I am.