free write

i think this is strange simply because i haven't done it in so long. feels foreign when at some point this was a daily occurrence. hm. i have things to say but am too distracted to say them. bullet points may be a good starting place. here goes:

1. i wrote in the other blog about the idea that we're simply an aggregate of our past relationships (parents, siblings, friends, loves, etc.) and am beginning to see that more clearly as i work on my relationship with matt

2. and saw this the other day - "don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream."

the idea that we're simply a compound of conditioned responses based on our life's experiences is an interesting concept and while it seems far-fetched i'm beginning to see it in everything i do (mostly in my relationship.) the things that each of us do/say/are offended by aren't so much based in reality as they are in perception and our inner-workings/fears/insecurities/strengths.

example: the other day matt and i had a discussion in the grocery store about whether or not we should buy something and it turned into kind of an issue. i wanted it. he didn't see the point. i gave in and moved on. matt ruminated for a bit and said something to the effect that he wasn't sure that i would be satisfied with what he could give me once he quit his job. i was slightly taken aback by this because i'm so satisfied with everything that he does for me and so impressed with how hard he works. i'm astounded by the person that he is and can't imagine ever being less satisfied in our relationship as a result of how much money he's making. moreover i didn't know at what point in the discussion i sent the message that i wasn't satisfied with the things he could provide me with. we talked about the issue later and he explained that because of his past, he's insecure about not being accepted because of the amount of money (or lack thereof) that he has and that he often wonders if people (girls he dates) fully grasp the concept that he was once poor and that he is actively trying to avoid being without.

example two: we went out with friends and came back to the house the other night and i just felt like we were slightly off and not as close as i would've liked. when matt asked me if i wanted to go bed i was relieved because i was ready for some time alone with him. when we went to the room he made a joke about my wearing too many clothes to bed but because of my insecurities about our distance over the course of the night and general sensitivity i was offended by his comment. when we got in bed he made a few other comments that i generally wouldn't have taken offense to but because of my outlook on the night i was immediately hurt. we didn't discuss it until the next morning after a lot of tears on my part. i realized during the argument that i have a tendency to become very offended when i'm given criticism/correction of any kind. in my mind it seems like the person is criticizing me and not my actions. the need for correction then becomes personal and the thing in need of correcting seems like a weakness that the other person wishes i didn't have. i then see myself as less desirable to the other person...that's a lot of assumptions to make without any input from the other person.

the idea is that both of us were offended based on our perceptions of what the other was saying and not the message that the other actually intended to convey. i find that most of our arguments are similarly based. i'm offended by who i think he is and what i think he means rather than what he says and who he purports to be. it's merely a projection of who i am and what i think/fear. hm. this post is scattered and poorly written because i'm in a starbucks full of other people and listening to groovy tunes...but this is definitely something to think about.

the dating game

John Mayer - In Repair

"too many shadows in my room

too many hours in this midnight

too many corners in my mind

so much to do to set my heart right

oh it's taking so long

i could be wrong, i could be ready

but if i take my heart's advice

i should assume it's still unsteady

i am in repair"

i'm finding it hard to be me. To react without rules or the notion that you have maneuvers/experience/expectations of me that i can never truly be privy to. i'm ashamed to say that i wasn't able to maintain my form after the several collisions i've been victim of. my mind is not my own. it's reactionary. merely a composition of conditioned responses.

don't seem clingy. be available. don't call him. don't express yourself too often, too in depth. don't believe everything he says. don't be completely honest. don't be yourself.

even when i try to be my truest self there's always a moment, a circumstance, a question that causes me to launch into that endless series of games and behaviors so unlike me, so outside of myself. and that's when it all begins to crumble. how can i be involved in a relationship that should inherently be built on expression when i can't trust you or trust my responses to you or act in a way that demonstrates what i truly desire? when i'm so fragmented from past follies and tactics that were successful with other suitors but may not work so well with you? how can i know what i want, know what you want, when neither of us are being honest about who we are and what experiences have brought us to this moment.

i simply want to be me. my barest self. the self that dreamed of the one, first kisses, and "I do's" at 13. not the marred, cautious, strategic self that i've become. and to think that i'm only at the beginning of this journey. merely 22 with the brokenness and bitterness of a woman well in her years.

"maybe when things turn green again

it will be good to say you know me"

change

If I've ever been on the "cusp" of something... it's right now. I feel like I'm moments/centimeters/whispers away from every major change that will ever take place in my life. Today is my holy triumvirate of change. However, I'm frighteningly undisturbed. I may/may not have a job. May/may not have a place to rest my head. May/may not be able to attend school this summer. Hm. Triumvirate, I told you.

I've been praying for change recently, wishing for change for as long as I can remember. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened unto you. I guess I asked. I guess I knocked. And here I am. Standing at this precipice not quite sure how far the fall will be. But I'm ready to jump.

And just as quickly and confidently as I said I was undisturbed, my heart began to race. It's a funny thing - not knowing what will happen. But what's new? At what point in my life was I certain of what was coming next (unless we're discussing my mother who is CERTAIN to instantly combust upon arriving to a home containing more than two specks of dust... that and that alone can I count on.)

But this was unexpected. Actually receiving what I requested? That's preposterous. And yet - here I am.

a beautiful mess

A Beautiful Mess-Jason Mraz

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
based on your body language and shotty cursive i've been reading
you're style is quite selective
but your mind is rather wreckless
well i guess that this suggests
that this is just what happiness is

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses
well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerves
you can call it fiction
cuz i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
here we are...

so today i was informed that it's easy to fall in love/become obsessed with "the idea" of me. hm. while, i wasn't entirely surprised or unaccustomed to the idea of being infatuated with an ideal situation and less-than-interested in an actual individual...i thought it only applied to other individuals. never me. i can fall in love with the idea of you, the idea of us, but you? you're supposed to fall in love with me. evidently i'm quite appealing from a distance but once i let you in you become privy to the fact that i'm complicated and unacquainted with calm. i'm easily distracted and have a tendency to take advantage of those that treat me well. i know precisely what i want but often find myself growing too tired to work toward those things. i settle into complacency and later complain that i'm unhappy. i want everything and i want nothing. i only want what i want when i want it and i work on an unpredictable schedule.

i can see where you're coming from. but understand that every fantasy i've ever had rests in your ability to share my dreams.

to whom it may concern

poorly written: 7/27/09

Writing in a dimly lit room. Rain pouring and lightning crashing. It came so abruptly. Washing away the heat of the day. I wonder what washed away the heat between us. Or do I know? Am I blithely unaware of the distance between us or choose to neglect it in an attempt to create some closeness within? I always feel so far from you. As close as you may be in physical proximity and as genuine as you may think you are, there’s an emptiness in your kiss where there should be fullness in your lips and detachment where there should be an embrace. Last night was the first time you made an attempt. In all of our nights together you could only manifest affection as a result of a threat? You can sense my distance now. My I-sense-your-bullshit-ness now. I think it frightens you. I can’t be swayed by your defenses, can’t be wooed by your feeble and follied attempts at tenderness. I know better. I know that you’re incapable of displaying your affections. And that’s fine. I can see you in another light. And see myself as someone longing so much to be comforted by another that I took you in. I let myself fall for you even though you had no intentions of ever reciprocating. It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend to harm me. It’s just not in your nature to reason with your heart. You’re logic and cynicism, I’m emotion and hopefulness. We were better off as the casual us, don’t you think? We’re a house party pair, not a romantic dinner for two. I think I saw what I wanted to see-as usual. Sitting here so quietly I feel at ease knowing that you and I are no more. At least not in my mind. I’m finished with us. Because I’d always had an idea of us that was never to come to fruition. We’re different. As if I didn’t already know. Blindly aware. My heart is one that craves, one that requires, one that expected more of you. I can’t remain complacent. So long, friend.

houstatlantavegas (playing now)

"Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present"

my mom frequently (at least 3 a week kind of frequently) emails me dreadful forwarded messages that i delete at first glance but for some reason i looked at one today. and found several gems of wisdom that i'll no doubt write somewhere permanent or add to my quotes on facebook so others can grab a piece of this wisdom as well.

so simple. but it means so much. and if it stood out to me this much in the midst of my financial crisis it must mean something. "make peace with your past" and there's SO much to make peace with. where do i begin? it seems like the ultimate theme of this blog and my life thus far is...regret. so sad. maybe regret is the sediment left behind in a life filled with past experiences that haven't been peaceably put to rest. how can one enjoy what they're standing in the midst of, if they're constantly haunted by the past hanging in the air like a thick fog. it's hard to see what i have and why it's good when my past is staring me in the face. perhaps it needs to be put to rest. it's spoiling my present. it's easy to see how i could get off track and picture myself going back to what i had instead of grasping the amazing thing that i HAVE because i haven't made peace with him. i want him to fix it. fold it up neatly and arrange it in my heart and in my memory in a way that i find suitable. i was waiting for him to rearrange what we were. to amend my thoughts of him so that i could move forward. and in the process i was moving backward, toward him and away from what i have. i could've lost it. that was a close call. and what of the "male role model" in my life. shall i even dig into that tonight? or is that more of a 2 in the afternoon topic because i know that the thoughts and words meant to encompass it would take at least 8 hours to form? psh. making peace with that would end so many you-can't-blame-me-for-what-he-did-to-you arguments that i try desperately to avoid.

in an effort to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, i'll forgo that tangent. but i will say that if i could make peace with those two things, so many things in my present would be exponentially appreciated. i should forgive him. i haven't.

i never change, do i?

We Never Change - Coldplay

i wanna live life and never be cruel
i wanna live life and be good to you
i wanna fly and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?

i feel like i'm constantly making the same mistakes for the same reasons. falling for the same person who treats me the same way. ignoring the one who treats me well. and then looking back and regretting it all. will i ever change or learn? or will i be the one sitting on my porch in my old age next to the wrong one with thoughts of the one that got away? i think i think about "the one that got away" more than most. am i that afraid of regret? i let my curiosity get the better of me and put my heart into these journeys deep into the rabbit hole that is curiosity. once you've fallen for someone that makes you feel completely crazy, what would compel you to torture yourself that way again? curiosity. when will i start thinking reasonably? like "oh, this will probably hurt me just as much this time as it did the last. so, no sir, i wll NOT take you up on that offer to ruin my life yet again." i had just gotten comfortable with being formerly broken. i had just imagined us as friends. i had just started breathing again. and now, i'm almost as overwhelmed by anxiety and questions as i was the first one thousand times i gave you a "second" chance. perhaps second chances are for suckas. i refuse to hand you any more.