free write

i think this is strange simply because i haven't done it in so long. feels foreign when at some point this was a daily occurrence. hm. i have things to say but am too distracted to say them. bullet points may be a good starting place. here goes:

1. i wrote in the other blog about the idea that we're simply an aggregate of our past relationships (parents, siblings, friends, loves, etc.) and am beginning to see that more clearly as i work on my relationship with matt

2. and saw this the other day - "don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream."

the idea that we're simply a compound of conditioned responses based on our life's experiences is an interesting concept and while it seems far-fetched i'm beginning to see it in everything i do (mostly in my relationship.) the things that each of us do/say/are offended by aren't so much based in reality as they are in perception and our inner-workings/fears/insecurities/strengths.

example: the other day matt and i had a discussion in the grocery store about whether or not we should buy something and it turned into kind of an issue. i wanted it. he didn't see the point. i gave in and moved on. matt ruminated for a bit and said something to the effect that he wasn't sure that i would be satisfied with what he could give me once he quit his job. i was slightly taken aback by this because i'm so satisfied with everything that he does for me and so impressed with how hard he works. i'm astounded by the person that he is and can't imagine ever being less satisfied in our relationship as a result of how much money he's making. moreover i didn't know at what point in the discussion i sent the message that i wasn't satisfied with the things he could provide me with. we talked about the issue later and he explained that because of his past, he's insecure about not being accepted because of the amount of money (or lack thereof) that he has and that he often wonders if people (girls he dates) fully grasp the concept that he was once poor and that he is actively trying to avoid being without.

example two: we went out with friends and came back to the house the other night and i just felt like we were slightly off and not as close as i would've liked. when matt asked me if i wanted to go bed i was relieved because i was ready for some time alone with him. when we went to the room he made a joke about my wearing too many clothes to bed but because of my insecurities about our distance over the course of the night and general sensitivity i was offended by his comment. when we got in bed he made a few other comments that i generally wouldn't have taken offense to but because of my outlook on the night i was immediately hurt. we didn't discuss it until the next morning after a lot of tears on my part. i realized during the argument that i have a tendency to become very offended when i'm given criticism/correction of any kind. in my mind it seems like the person is criticizing me and not my actions. the need for correction then becomes personal and the thing in need of correcting seems like a weakness that the other person wishes i didn't have. i then see myself as less desirable to the other person...that's a lot of assumptions to make without any input from the other person.

the idea is that both of us were offended based on our perceptions of what the other was saying and not the message that the other actually intended to convey. i find that most of our arguments are similarly based. i'm offended by who i think he is and what i think he means rather than what he says and who he purports to be. it's merely a projection of who i am and what i think/fear. hm. this post is scattered and poorly written because i'm in a starbucks full of other people and listening to groovy tunes...but this is definitely something to think about.

the dating game

John Mayer - In Repair

"too many shadows in my room

too many hours in this midnight

too many corners in my mind

so much to do to set my heart right

oh it's taking so long

i could be wrong, i could be ready

but if i take my heart's advice

i should assume it's still unsteady

i am in repair"

i'm finding it hard to be me. To react without rules or the notion that you have maneuvers/experience/expectations of me that i can never truly be privy to. i'm ashamed to say that i wasn't able to maintain my form after the several collisions i've been victim of. my mind is not my own. it's reactionary. merely a composition of conditioned responses.

don't seem clingy. be available. don't call him. don't express yourself too often, too in depth. don't believe everything he says. don't be completely honest. don't be yourself.

even when i try to be my truest self there's always a moment, a circumstance, a question that causes me to launch into that endless series of games and behaviors so unlike me, so outside of myself. and that's when it all begins to crumble. how can i be involved in a relationship that should inherently be built on expression when i can't trust you or trust my responses to you or act in a way that demonstrates what i truly desire? when i'm so fragmented from past follies and tactics that were successful with other suitors but may not work so well with you? how can i know what i want, know what you want, when neither of us are being honest about who we are and what experiences have brought us to this moment.

i simply want to be me. my barest self. the self that dreamed of the one, first kisses, and "I do's" at 13. not the marred, cautious, strategic self that i've become. and to think that i'm only at the beginning of this journey. merely 22 with the brokenness and bitterness of a woman well in her years.

"maybe when things turn green again

it will be good to say you know me"

change

If I've ever been on the "cusp" of something... it's right now. I feel like I'm moments/centimeters/whispers away from every major change that will ever take place in my life. Today is my holy triumvirate of change. However, I'm frighteningly undisturbed. I may/may not have a job. May/may not have a place to rest my head. May/may not be able to attend school this summer. Hm. Triumvirate, I told you.

I've been praying for change recently, wishing for change for as long as I can remember. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened unto you. I guess I asked. I guess I knocked. And here I am. Standing at this precipice not quite sure how far the fall will be. But I'm ready to jump.

And just as quickly and confidently as I said I was undisturbed, my heart began to race. It's a funny thing - not knowing what will happen. But what's new? At what point in my life was I certain of what was coming next (unless we're discussing my mother who is CERTAIN to instantly combust upon arriving to a home containing more than two specks of dust... that and that alone can I count on.)

But this was unexpected. Actually receiving what I requested? That's preposterous. And yet - here I am.

a beautiful mess

A Beautiful Mess-Jason Mraz

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
based on your body language and shotty cursive i've been reading
you're style is quite selective
but your mind is rather wreckless
well i guess that this suggests
that this is just what happiness is

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses
well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerves
you can call it fiction
cuz i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
here we are...

so today i was informed that it's easy to fall in love/become obsessed with "the idea" of me. hm. while, i wasn't entirely surprised or unaccustomed to the idea of being infatuated with an ideal situation and less-than-interested in an actual individual...i thought it only applied to other individuals. never me. i can fall in love with the idea of you, the idea of us, but you? you're supposed to fall in love with me. evidently i'm quite appealing from a distance but once i let you in you become privy to the fact that i'm complicated and unacquainted with calm. i'm easily distracted and have a tendency to take advantage of those that treat me well. i know precisely what i want but often find myself growing too tired to work toward those things. i settle into complacency and later complain that i'm unhappy. i want everything and i want nothing. i only want what i want when i want it and i work on an unpredictable schedule.

i can see where you're coming from. but understand that every fantasy i've ever had rests in your ability to share my dreams.

to whom it may concern

poorly written: 7/27/09

Writing in a dimly lit room. Rain pouring and lightning crashing. It came so abruptly. Washing away the heat of the day. I wonder what washed away the heat between us. Or do I know? Am I blithely unaware of the distance between us or choose to neglect it in an attempt to create some closeness within? I always feel so far from you. As close as you may be in physical proximity and as genuine as you may think you are, there’s an emptiness in your kiss where there should be fullness in your lips and detachment where there should be an embrace. Last night was the first time you made an attempt. In all of our nights together you could only manifest affection as a result of a threat? You can sense my distance now. My I-sense-your-bullshit-ness now. I think it frightens you. I can’t be swayed by your defenses, can’t be wooed by your feeble and follied attempts at tenderness. I know better. I know that you’re incapable of displaying your affections. And that’s fine. I can see you in another light. And see myself as someone longing so much to be comforted by another that I took you in. I let myself fall for you even though you had no intentions of ever reciprocating. It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend to harm me. It’s just not in your nature to reason with your heart. You’re logic and cynicism, I’m emotion and hopefulness. We were better off as the casual us, don’t you think? We’re a house party pair, not a romantic dinner for two. I think I saw what I wanted to see-as usual. Sitting here so quietly I feel at ease knowing that you and I are no more. At least not in my mind. I’m finished with us. Because I’d always had an idea of us that was never to come to fruition. We’re different. As if I didn’t already know. Blindly aware. My heart is one that craves, one that requires, one that expected more of you. I can’t remain complacent. So long, friend.

houstatlantavegas (playing now)

"Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present"

my mom frequently (at least 3 a week kind of frequently) emails me dreadful forwarded messages that i delete at first glance but for some reason i looked at one today. and found several gems of wisdom that i'll no doubt write somewhere permanent or add to my quotes on facebook so others can grab a piece of this wisdom as well.

so simple. but it means so much. and if it stood out to me this much in the midst of my financial crisis it must mean something. "make peace with your past" and there's SO much to make peace with. where do i begin? it seems like the ultimate theme of this blog and my life thus far is...regret. so sad. maybe regret is the sediment left behind in a life filled with past experiences that haven't been peaceably put to rest. how can one enjoy what they're standing in the midst of, if they're constantly haunted by the past hanging in the air like a thick fog. it's hard to see what i have and why it's good when my past is staring me in the face. perhaps it needs to be put to rest. it's spoiling my present. it's easy to see how i could get off track and picture myself going back to what i had instead of grasping the amazing thing that i HAVE because i haven't made peace with him. i want him to fix it. fold it up neatly and arrange it in my heart and in my memory in a way that i find suitable. i was waiting for him to rearrange what we were. to amend my thoughts of him so that i could move forward. and in the process i was moving backward, toward him and away from what i have. i could've lost it. that was a close call. and what of the "male role model" in my life. shall i even dig into that tonight? or is that more of a 2 in the afternoon topic because i know that the thoughts and words meant to encompass it would take at least 8 hours to form? psh. making peace with that would end so many you-can't-blame-me-for-what-he-did-to-you arguments that i try desperately to avoid.

in an effort to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, i'll forgo that tangent. but i will say that if i could make peace with those two things, so many things in my present would be exponentially appreciated. i should forgive him. i haven't.

i never change, do i?

We Never Change - Coldplay

i wanna live life and never be cruel
i wanna live life and be good to you
i wanna fly and never come down
and live my life
and have friends around
we never change, do we?
we never learn, do we?

i feel like i'm constantly making the same mistakes for the same reasons. falling for the same person who treats me the same way. ignoring the one who treats me well. and then looking back and regretting it all. will i ever change or learn? or will i be the one sitting on my porch in my old age next to the wrong one with thoughts of the one that got away? i think i think about "the one that got away" more than most. am i that afraid of regret? i let my curiosity get the better of me and put my heart into these journeys deep into the rabbit hole that is curiosity. once you've fallen for someone that makes you feel completely crazy, what would compel you to torture yourself that way again? curiosity. when will i start thinking reasonably? like "oh, this will probably hurt me just as much this time as it did the last. so, no sir, i wll NOT take you up on that offer to ruin my life yet again." i had just gotten comfortable with being formerly broken. i had just imagined us as friends. i had just started breathing again. and now, i'm almost as overwhelmed by anxiety and questions as i was the first one thousand times i gave you a "second" chance. perhaps second chances are for suckas. i refuse to hand you any more.

this is my sketch pad

"definitions belong to the definer, not the defined"

"what do you want your life to look like? what do you want your life, right now, to look like? and your life next week, next month, next year, and next decade? what if you could take a pencil and a piece of paper and sketch out your life, and whatever you sketched, it would be guaranteed to be your life one day?...you can literally sketch your dreams into reality."

i'd prefer to use a keyboard and screen.

i want to do yoga every morning when i wake up. and then have a cup of tea and some fruit. i want to call my best friend and have morning devotional with her. i want to have a cork board at my door for ppl to post prayer requests on as they come in or out. i want lots of windows. i want to sleep in on saturday mornings nestled into the love of my life. i want us to be immersed in the comfort of sheets and skin and love. i want to share favorite movies and quotes and desserts. i want to adopt a dog and walk it every evening when i get home from work. i want to cook ALMOST every night. i want to enjoy what i do and thrive in my work environment. i want to inspire hope in others. i want to live in both the city and the country. i want to drink homemade lemonade often. i want to become a proficient baker...and cocktail maker. i want flower arrangements all over my house. i want to listen to jazz and the beatles. i want to be debt free. i want to be responsible. i want to be able to go to the store and not feel guilty about buying things for myself. i want to be well-read. i want a master's degree in psychology and a bachelor's degree in both spanish and counseling. i want to have my college loans paid for by some wonderful benefactor. i want to be lpc and lmft certified. i want to read the bible cover to cover every year. i want to go to graduate school and conduct some remarkably profound study on interpersonal/familial/romantic relationships. i want to be a role model. i want to be closer to my cousins, aunts, and uncles. i want to communicate with my mom. i changed my mind, i want to adopt TWO dogs. i want to be proud of myself. i want to be comfortable in my own skin. i want to write...a lot. i want to be recognized for my achievements. i want to be in a relationship that excites me, that's constant but challenging, that's passionate. i want to marry a hopeless romantic. i want to go to south america. i want to speak spanish fluently. i want to travel more than once a year. i want to have a diverse group of talented and kind friends. i want to live in a well-decorated house. i want children that i laugh with on a daily basis. i want to have family dinners every night. i want to start my own family traditions. i want a garden immediately. i want to grow my own fruit, vegetables, and herbs. i want to go back to washington. i want to camp. i want to be a humble wealth of knowledge. i want to fall so deep in love that i can't see straight. i want to be responsible. i want a car that suits me. i want to have meaningful conversations on a daily basis. i want to learn from my mistakes. i want to let go of my fears. i want to look at the stars with my kids, my husband, my friends, my acquaintances. i want a white comforter. i want an organized (but not uncomfortable) home. i want to help those in need. i want to have firm political beliefs that leave room for heart vs. head decisions. i want to collect antiques. i want to live a full life.

patchwork

Adele - First Love

"forgive me first love. i need to get away to feel it again."

i feel like my heart is a patchwork now. just pieces of things i've taken from you, first love. from you, tragedy. from you, new love. how can anyone ever satisfy those things that i've found in three so different individuals? you won't suffice unless you can match the sentiments felt in the air when past love was shared.

can anyone produce the physical warmth we felt? can anyone else feel like the home i never knew? can anyone nestle into me and supplement my weaknesses? can anyone create that passion, that encouragement, that spiritual sense of "this-is-the-one-ness"?

i remember my life with you too. waking up in a room with walls painted the perfect shade of dusty purple. the dent in the wall from the argument last night. our sunshine cuddled between us, holding us together for as long as she could. wild nights in and out coated in (spirit)ed decisions and jovial phrases. periods of winter and summer where koolaid flowed freely (you taught me everything i know). being able to give of myself. you let me see that i was capable of being unselfish. you were adventurous. your prestige, your stance, your confidence. i remember that life. who can match that?

and you. best friend turned love whose mind and words intriguied me before i ever knew that i would know you. you laid under the stars with me and told me your secrets. you let me be the first of so many things that you experienced. you make me laugh. everyday. everytime i talk to you. you make sense (and i hate it.) i've never known anyone so talented, so smart. you held me until i fell asleep. i want to know you. every part. no one else is like you. so how could they match that?

someone has their work cut out for them. could one of you be all three and i can't see beneath your layers? am i right in saying that the first had more than the others but it's time to move forward? am i cheating the last in looking back? was the timing wrong for us, tragic love? i can say that i've been blessed to have this much love in my life at all...and if the middle child in this equation is right, you only get three true loves. i'm a young lass and i'm already on number three. uh oh. pressure's on.

unreachable

what is it about those things that are just out of reach that make them exponentially appealing? if one is to acquire said thing, it would most likely lose its value. i chalk it up to evolutionary competition lol (since anthro, almost all things can be chalked up in the same manner.) if we don't attempt to attain things that are difficult for us we'll never grow. i'm afraid of reaching, grasping, and letting go. if i chase after something and get it, will i take it for granted despite all of the work it took to gain it? isn't it selfish to put this thing through the agony that accompanies being preyed upon only to treat it unkindly once i possess it? especially when i'm chasing something to requires constant nurturing and reassurance. do i have the capacity to maintain what i seek? sigh...ohhh the questions of life!

because everything seems so glamorous from far away. and even once you gain what you sought after, there's a certain excitement about the newness of the possession. all of your toys shine and function wonderfully immediately after you open them on christmas day. by february 8th, they're old news and you've got your eye on the deluxe edition of that easy bake oven. and then one day you look back and remember how excited you were when you got it and how it served its purpose despite the fact that it didn't come with the 4 additional cookie cutters. maybe in life we're constantly making new christmas lists. always craving, asking, reaching for the next best thing. and the things that are most appealing are those that we don't think will ever truly end up under our trees. we just put them on the list because despite how unnattainable they may seem, we can dream can't we? maybe i'm just dreaming.

thank you for granting me this moment of clarity

ok. i'm officially an avid blogger. am i obsessed? maybe. i have a lot of nothing to say tonight...sue me.

soo...i was really "trippin" (don't know if i've ever used that word before...hm...) earlier about this situation. REALLY trippin. doing things i won't mention to anyone but my brother and my best because they're embarassing and internet stalker-esque. but then i came across this worship group on imeem and i'm thinking that maybe my priorities are out of order. i was so enthralled with my research on spiritual displacement in the beginning of the semester and how we rely on romantic love and glamorize it because we lack a spiritual connection with the father and now i feel like i'm placing all of my hope and happiness on this poor child when i should be focusing on the lord whether i'm asking him to guide me through this or just showing him the same amount of attention that i am to this situation. i'm getting so caught up in MY feelings and MY love life and i'm losing focus of what's really important. he's greater than every need that i have. even the need to love this boy.

i used to firmly believe that the lord put him in my life so that we could be together forever. i just knew it in my heart. and then i told mine that i know god answered a prayer when he put him in my life because he gave me the peace of mind that i didn't have in my tragic relationship. but now i'm realizing that he puts EVERYONE in my life as part of his plan for my life. everyone plays a part whether it be large or small. and i don't exactly what his part is...but god does. and i need to leave this up to him. i can't wiggle my way back into someone's heart if god doesn't say so. i can accept/expect neverending grace and forgiveness from him, but not from my dear engaged friend here. i need to send this up to him and give my heart and pitiful mind a rest for the evening. they're spinnin right round baby right round and quite frankly i'm getting dizzy.

i love him. and want to be with him. but this isn't up to me. i'm looking upward on this one.

how dare i

ugh. why can't i say anything? after all of the clever thoughts i had throughout the week about the things i would say to you. and the letters i would write. and how i would win you over with my voice and diction and words that meant something when i said them aloud to myself. and now...nothing. absolutely blank. all of the heartfelt speeches i composed while in the shower (where i do my best thinking) all of the nights i couldn't sleep because thoughts were racing in my head. thoughts of how to communicate to you that i was still the one. ha. the one. i thought your call was a sign. a sign of things to come. of wishes to come true. but now it looks like the only sign is the one on her finger that says "i'm his." and that hurts. i planned "us" for years. and in my heart of hearts i still knew deep down (but not very deep, i thought about it often) that all of my planning wouldn't be in vain. i thought you felt the same way i did. that we were simply put on hold. but now it appears as though you felt something else. and that hurts. i saved one of my clever thoughts in my drafts...it was the beginning of what i thought would be the new and improved us...as if we could be improved.

"i know. i know what you're thinking. i know what you thought. i know your answer. i'm almost certain i know your heart"

it was good wasn't it? i thought so. (i also compiled that in the shower. again, all of my best work is done in there) i was going to convince you that regardless of the fact that i didn't deserve a chance, you wanted to give me one. because i was the one. now it seems a little silly. and i can't find the corner of my mind where all of my creative thoughts and lyrical genius live. how dare i though, right? how dare i punish what's mine when he's innocent, in order to steal what's hers, so that my heart can feel at ease. and i don't know if it will ever find a home in anyone else quite as cozy as the one it found it you. i told my best once that loving you was like a hug from God. like laying in the sun. like pulling the covers up all the way to your chin when it's cold out. it was perfection. and we weren't. we were never equipped for perfection and you understood that. i couldn't live with myself and let you go thinking that maybe we weren't the right fit. and now i can't imagine anyone being a better complement to my complexity. i can't imagine fitting so well into anyone else. i'm not even upset right now. i can't be. how dare i, right?

where are all of the eloquent words from last week? the winning words? the words that vocalized whatever this is that i feel about us. "sorry j," you said. i should be the one apologizing.

reflecting

i am a dichotomy. a mosaic of emotions. but aren't all girls? (or at least all the ones worth knowing?) i think i may be going through a quarter life crisis (am i even at the quarter mark yet? too soon??) i'm starting to reach and attempt to get things back that i had not too long ago...hoping it will put things into perspective. because he put things into perspective.