a beautiful mess

A Beautiful Mess-Jason Mraz

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
based on your body language and shotty cursive i've been reading
you're style is quite selective
but your mind is rather wreckless
well i guess that this suggests
that this is just what happiness is

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses
well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerves
you can call it fiction
cuz i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
here we are...

so today i was informed that it's easy to fall in love/become obsessed with "the idea" of me. hm. while, i wasn't entirely surprised or unaccustomed to the idea of being infatuated with an ideal situation and less-than-interested in an actual individual...i thought it only applied to other individuals. never me. i can fall in love with the idea of you, the idea of us, but you? you're supposed to fall in love with me. evidently i'm quite appealing from a distance but once i let you in you become privy to the fact that i'm complicated and unacquainted with calm. i'm easily distracted and have a tendency to take advantage of those that treat me well. i know precisely what i want but often find myself growing too tired to work toward those things. i settle into complacency and later complain that i'm unhappy. i want everything and i want nothing. i only want what i want when i want it and i work on an unpredictable schedule.

i can see where you're coming from. but understand that every fantasy i've ever had rests in your ability to share my dreams.

to whom it may concern

poorly written: 7/27/09

Writing in a dimly lit room. Rain pouring and lightning crashing. It came so abruptly. Washing away the heat of the day. I wonder what washed away the heat between us. Or do I know? Am I blithely unaware of the distance between us or choose to neglect it in an attempt to create some closeness within? I always feel so far from you. As close as you may be in physical proximity and as genuine as you may think you are, there’s an emptiness in your kiss where there should be fullness in your lips and detachment where there should be an embrace. Last night was the first time you made an attempt. In all of our nights together you could only manifest affection as a result of a threat? You can sense my distance now. My I-sense-your-bullshit-ness now. I think it frightens you. I can’t be swayed by your defenses, can’t be wooed by your feeble and follied attempts at tenderness. I know better. I know that you’re incapable of displaying your affections. And that’s fine. I can see you in another light. And see myself as someone longing so much to be comforted by another that I took you in. I let myself fall for you even though you had no intentions of ever reciprocating. It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend to harm me. It’s just not in your nature to reason with your heart. You’re logic and cynicism, I’m emotion and hopefulness. We were better off as the casual us, don’t you think? We’re a house party pair, not a romantic dinner for two. I think I saw what I wanted to see-as usual. Sitting here so quietly I feel at ease knowing that you and I are no more. At least not in my mind. I’m finished with us. Because I’d always had an idea of us that was never to come to fruition. We’re different. As if I didn’t already know. Blindly aware. My heart is one that craves, one that requires, one that expected more of you. I can’t remain complacent. So long, friend.