patchwork

Adele - First Love

"forgive me first love. i need to get away to feel it again."

i feel like my heart is a patchwork now. just pieces of things i've taken from you, first love. from you, tragedy. from you, new love. how can anyone ever satisfy those things that i've found in three so different individuals? you won't suffice unless you can match the sentiments felt in the air when past love was shared.

can anyone produce the physical warmth we felt? can anyone else feel like the home i never knew? can anyone nestle into me and supplement my weaknesses? can anyone create that passion, that encouragement, that spiritual sense of "this-is-the-one-ness"?

i remember my life with you too. waking up in a room with walls painted the perfect shade of dusty purple. the dent in the wall from the argument last night. our sunshine cuddled between us, holding us together for as long as she could. wild nights in and out coated in (spirit)ed decisions and jovial phrases. periods of winter and summer where koolaid flowed freely (you taught me everything i know). being able to give of myself. you let me see that i was capable of being unselfish. you were adventurous. your prestige, your stance, your confidence. i remember that life. who can match that?

and you. best friend turned love whose mind and words intriguied me before i ever knew that i would know you. you laid under the stars with me and told me your secrets. you let me be the first of so many things that you experienced. you make me laugh. everyday. everytime i talk to you. you make sense (and i hate it.) i've never known anyone so talented, so smart. you held me until i fell asleep. i want to know you. every part. no one else is like you. so how could they match that?

someone has their work cut out for them. could one of you be all three and i can't see beneath your layers? am i right in saying that the first had more than the others but it's time to move forward? am i cheating the last in looking back? was the timing wrong for us, tragic love? i can say that i've been blessed to have this much love in my life at all...and if the middle child in this equation is right, you only get three true loves. i'm a young lass and i'm already on number three. uh oh. pressure's on.

unreachable

what is it about those things that are just out of reach that make them exponentially appealing? if one is to acquire said thing, it would most likely lose its value. i chalk it up to evolutionary competition lol (since anthro, almost all things can be chalked up in the same manner.) if we don't attempt to attain things that are difficult for us we'll never grow. i'm afraid of reaching, grasping, and letting go. if i chase after something and get it, will i take it for granted despite all of the work it took to gain it? isn't it selfish to put this thing through the agony that accompanies being preyed upon only to treat it unkindly once i possess it? especially when i'm chasing something to requires constant nurturing and reassurance. do i have the capacity to maintain what i seek? sigh...ohhh the questions of life!

because everything seems so glamorous from far away. and even once you gain what you sought after, there's a certain excitement about the newness of the possession. all of your toys shine and function wonderfully immediately after you open them on christmas day. by february 8th, they're old news and you've got your eye on the deluxe edition of that easy bake oven. and then one day you look back and remember how excited you were when you got it and how it served its purpose despite the fact that it didn't come with the 4 additional cookie cutters. maybe in life we're constantly making new christmas lists. always craving, asking, reaching for the next best thing. and the things that are most appealing are those that we don't think will ever truly end up under our trees. we just put them on the list because despite how unnattainable they may seem, we can dream can't we? maybe i'm just dreaming.

thank you for granting me this moment of clarity

ok. i'm officially an avid blogger. am i obsessed? maybe. i have a lot of nothing to say tonight...sue me.

soo...i was really "trippin" (don't know if i've ever used that word before...hm...) earlier about this situation. REALLY trippin. doing things i won't mention to anyone but my brother and my best because they're embarassing and internet stalker-esque. but then i came across this worship group on imeem and i'm thinking that maybe my priorities are out of order. i was so enthralled with my research on spiritual displacement in the beginning of the semester and how we rely on romantic love and glamorize it because we lack a spiritual connection with the father and now i feel like i'm placing all of my hope and happiness on this poor child when i should be focusing on the lord whether i'm asking him to guide me through this or just showing him the same amount of attention that i am to this situation. i'm getting so caught up in MY feelings and MY love life and i'm losing focus of what's really important. he's greater than every need that i have. even the need to love this boy.

i used to firmly believe that the lord put him in my life so that we could be together forever. i just knew it in my heart. and then i told mine that i know god answered a prayer when he put him in my life because he gave me the peace of mind that i didn't have in my tragic relationship. but now i'm realizing that he puts EVERYONE in my life as part of his plan for my life. everyone plays a part whether it be large or small. and i don't exactly what his part is...but god does. and i need to leave this up to him. i can't wiggle my way back into someone's heart if god doesn't say so. i can accept/expect neverending grace and forgiveness from him, but not from my dear engaged friend here. i need to send this up to him and give my heart and pitiful mind a rest for the evening. they're spinnin right round baby right round and quite frankly i'm getting dizzy.

i love him. and want to be with him. but this isn't up to me. i'm looking upward on this one.

how dare i

ugh. why can't i say anything? after all of the clever thoughts i had throughout the week about the things i would say to you. and the letters i would write. and how i would win you over with my voice and diction and words that meant something when i said them aloud to myself. and now...nothing. absolutely blank. all of the heartfelt speeches i composed while in the shower (where i do my best thinking) all of the nights i couldn't sleep because thoughts were racing in my head. thoughts of how to communicate to you that i was still the one. ha. the one. i thought your call was a sign. a sign of things to come. of wishes to come true. but now it looks like the only sign is the one on her finger that says "i'm his." and that hurts. i planned "us" for years. and in my heart of hearts i still knew deep down (but not very deep, i thought about it often) that all of my planning wouldn't be in vain. i thought you felt the same way i did. that we were simply put on hold. but now it appears as though you felt something else. and that hurts. i saved one of my clever thoughts in my drafts...it was the beginning of what i thought would be the new and improved us...as if we could be improved.

"i know. i know what you're thinking. i know what you thought. i know your answer. i'm almost certain i know your heart"

it was good wasn't it? i thought so. (i also compiled that in the shower. again, all of my best work is done in there) i was going to convince you that regardless of the fact that i didn't deserve a chance, you wanted to give me one. because i was the one. now it seems a little silly. and i can't find the corner of my mind where all of my creative thoughts and lyrical genius live. how dare i though, right? how dare i punish what's mine when he's innocent, in order to steal what's hers, so that my heart can feel at ease. and i don't know if it will ever find a home in anyone else quite as cozy as the one it found it you. i told my best once that loving you was like a hug from God. like laying in the sun. like pulling the covers up all the way to your chin when it's cold out. it was perfection. and we weren't. we were never equipped for perfection and you understood that. i couldn't live with myself and let you go thinking that maybe we weren't the right fit. and now i can't imagine anyone being a better complement to my complexity. i can't imagine fitting so well into anyone else. i'm not even upset right now. i can't be. how dare i, right?

where are all of the eloquent words from last week? the winning words? the words that vocalized whatever this is that i feel about us. "sorry j," you said. i should be the one apologizing.

reflecting

i am a dichotomy. a mosaic of emotions. but aren't all girls? (or at least all the ones worth knowing?) i think i may be going through a quarter life crisis (am i even at the quarter mark yet? too soon??) i'm starting to reach and attempt to get things back that i had not too long ago...hoping it will put things into perspective. because he put things into perspective.