1. i wrote in the other blog about the idea that we're simply an aggregate of our past relationships (parents, siblings, friends, loves, etc.) and am beginning to see that more clearly as i work on my relationship with matt
2. and saw this the other day - "don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream."
the idea that we're simply a compound of conditioned responses based on our life's experiences is an interesting concept and while it seems far-fetched i'm beginning to see it in everything i do (mostly in my relationship.) the things that each of us do/say/are offended by aren't so much based in reality as they are in perception and our inner-workings/fears/insecurities/strengths.
example: the other day matt and i had a discussion in the grocery store about whether or not we should buy something and it turned into kind of an issue. i wanted it. he didn't see the point. i gave in and moved on. matt ruminated for a bit and said something to the effect that he wasn't sure that i would be satisfied with what he could give me once he quit his job. i was slightly taken aback by this because i'm so satisfied with everything that he does for me and so impressed with how hard he works. i'm astounded by the person that he is and can't imagine ever being less satisfied in our relationship as a result of how much money he's making. moreover i didn't know at what point in the discussion i sent the message that i wasn't satisfied with the things he could provide me with. we talked about the issue later and he explained that because of his past, he's insecure about not being accepted because of the amount of money (or lack thereof) that he has and that he often wonders if people (girls he dates) fully grasp the concept that he was once poor and that he is actively trying to avoid being without.
example two: we went out with friends and came back to the house the other night and i just felt like we were slightly off and not as close as i would've liked. when matt asked me if i wanted to go bed i was relieved because i was ready for some time alone with him. when we went to the room he made a joke about my wearing too many clothes to bed but because of my insecurities about our distance over the course of the night and general sensitivity i was offended by his comment. when we got in bed he made a few other comments that i generally wouldn't have taken offense to but because of my outlook on the night i was immediately hurt. we didn't discuss it until the next morning after a lot of tears on my part. i realized during the argument that i have a tendency to become very offended when i'm given criticism/correction of any kind. in my mind it seems like the person is criticizing me and not my actions. the need for correction then becomes personal and the thing in need of correcting seems like a weakness that the other person wishes i didn't have. i then see myself as less desirable to the other person...that's a lot of assumptions to make without any input from the other person.
the idea is that both of us were offended based on our perceptions of what the other was saying and not the message that the other actually intended to convey. i find that most of our arguments are similarly based. i'm offended by who i think he is and what i think he means rather than what he says and who he purports to be. it's merely a projection of who i am and what i think/fear. hm. this post is scattered and poorly written because i'm in a starbucks full of other people and listening to groovy tunes...but this is definitely something to think about.