Monday, May 24, 2010

the dating game



"too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right

oh it's taking so long
i could be wrong, i could be ready
but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i am in repair"

i'm finding it hard to be me. To react without rules or the notion that you have maneuvers/experience/expectations of me that i can never truly be privy to. i'm ashamed to say that i wasn't able to maintain my form after the several collisions i've been victim of. my mind is not my own. it's reactionary. merely a composition of conditioned responses.

don't seem clingy. be available. don't call him. don't express yourself too often, too in depth. don't believe everything he says. don't be completely honest. don't be yourself.

even when i try to be my truest self there's always a moment, a circumstance, a question that causes me to launch into that endless series of games and behaviors so unlike me, so outside of myself. and that's when it all begins to crumble. how can i be involved in a relationship that should inherently be built on expression when i can't trust you or trust my responses to you or act in a way that demonstrates what i truly desire? when i'm so fragmented from past follies and tactics that were successful with other suitors but may not work so well with you? how can i know what i want, know what you want, when neither of us are being honest about who we are and what experiences have brought us to this moment.

i simply want to be me. my barest self. the self that dreamed of the one, first kisses, and "I do's" at 13. not the marred, cautious, strategic self that i've become. and to think that i'm only at the beginning of this journey. merely 22 with the brokenness and bitterness of a woman well in her years.

"maybe when things turn green again
it will be good to say you know me"

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