how dare i

ugh. why can't i say anything? after all of the clever thoughts i had throughout the week about the things i would say to you. and the letters i would write. and how i would win you over with my voice and diction and words that meant something when i said them aloud to myself. and now...nothing. absolutely blank. all of the heartfelt speeches i composed while in the shower (where i do my best thinking) all of the nights i couldn't sleep because thoughts were racing in my head. thoughts of how to communicate to you that i was still the one. ha. the one. i thought your call was a sign. a sign of things to come. of wishes to come true. but now it looks like the only sign is the one on her finger that says "i'm his." and that hurts. i planned "us" for years. and in my heart of hearts i still knew deep down (but not very deep, i thought about it often) that all of my planning wouldn't be in vain. i thought you felt the same way i did. that we were simply put on hold. but now it appears as though you felt something else. and that hurts. i saved one of my clever thoughts in my drafts...it was the beginning of what i thought would be the new and improved us...as if we could be improved.

"i know. i know what you're thinking. i know what you thought. i know your answer. i'm almost certain i know your heart"

it was good wasn't it? i thought so. (i also compiled that in the shower. again, all of my best work is done in there) i was going to convince you that regardless of the fact that i didn't deserve a chance, you wanted to give me one. because i was the one. now it seems a little silly. and i can't find the corner of my mind where all of my creative thoughts and lyrical genius live. how dare i though, right? how dare i punish what's mine when he's innocent, in order to steal what's hers, so that my heart can feel at ease. and i don't know if it will ever find a home in anyone else quite as cozy as the one it found it you. i told my best once that loving you was like a hug from God. like laying in the sun. like pulling the covers up all the way to your chin when it's cold out. it was perfection. and we weren't. we were never equipped for perfection and you understood that. i couldn't live with myself and let you go thinking that maybe we weren't the right fit. and now i can't imagine anyone being a better complement to my complexity. i can't imagine fitting so well into anyone else. i'm not even upset right now. i can't be. how dare i, right?

where are all of the eloquent words from last week? the winning words? the words that vocalized whatever this is that i feel about us. "sorry j," you said. i should be the one apologizing.